...r.i.p. lazarus von spiffy

My Siamese Fighting Fish, Lazarus, died last night. He died in his sleep. The King is Dead! Long Live the King!

He looked a lot like this one.

He'd been sick for a while, but it's still sad. Poor little Laz. He lived fast and died youngish. He'd been looking a bit sad and bloated for a few days. Now he's gone to that great rubbish bin in the garden.

But thats alright. I'll get a better one, and I'll call it Elvis. Here's hoping he has an unbloatable stomach.


Avagoodweekendyall!

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...gone troppo

I thought I'd get prepared for the impending summer by installing a new tropical themed header.


The fact that it's still July means I'm probably getting a bit ahead of myself, but a change is as good as a holiday.

(...actually, I'd rather take the holiday)

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...products I'd like to see

Speaking of horses, I reckon the people involved with pet food research have got it all wrong, based on the type of foods my pets have fancied over the years.

Yummmmy!!!

(I reckon I'm in the wrong career.)

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...equus mortuus

(One of my most) embarrassing moment(s)?
I once told a neighbour that her horse was dead.


It wasn't.

Turns out that I don't know much about horses... or their sleeping behaviour... and that this animal in particular does a pretty good impersonation of a dead horse.

But aside from freaking you out, what are neighbours for?

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...dear friend

Dear friend,

My name is Umbogumbo Smith and I call on you on this blessed day, praise Allah/God/Krishna/deity of your choice.

I am vice-president bank manager of Burkino Faso Legitimate Banking Arrangement and I write to tell you on this day that a client of mine, trusted billionaire and devoted family man Mr. Mowagimba Jones has tragincally died in private jet crash. As Mr. Jones had no family, he wanted to give his money away to lucky westerner and your email number came up in random email selection process. Hallelujah!

We would liek to inform you that we have 60 million dollars in trust and it now belong to you. Hail Jebus! Ifs God willing you are interest in the money you can reply to this email for further instruction, like your bank account number, password, pin number and all your family's credit card and pin number. Like many email from Nigeria, this one is not scam, because in God we trust and the Lord smiles our legitimate banking activity, and christians cannot be bad.

We know you have in your heart the good thinking and are kind and infected by compassion.

God bless!!!
Umbogumbo Smith
vice-president, Burkino Faso Legitimate Banking Arrangement

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...lemon cordial

You know what I like?

Cold lemon cordial.


Its just so damn zesty and refreshing! And it doesn't even have alcohol in it!

Don't know why I thought you should know that.

Anyone who doesn't like lemons is bananas.

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...the duck of springe

If you've seen a duck in a tree lately, fear not, for this auspicious sighting means that springe is not too far away.

The Australian Wood Duck (Chenonetta jubata) is a handsome, charismatic 'goose-like' duck that can be found near most inland water bodies across the country. These comic, web-footed little bastards are unique among ducks in their habit of nesting in trees. And they get in the mood relatively early too, around mid July, which explains why lately I've been hearing the tell-tale Brrrruuyykk of a horny wood duck in a tree.

Wood Ducks in the trees are a sign of Muyan (early spring) in the seasonal calendar observed by the Wurundjeri people, the original inhabitants of the Lower Yarra Region where I am priveleged to work. The Wurundjeri would look for signs like wood ducks shagging to notify them of changes in the seasons and therefore, where to find the best food, shelter, etc. The Wurundjeri have six seasons in a year, which in my opinion is a more accurate system for this part of the world than our four season European import.

Bullarto n'yoweenth - High Summer (November-mid January)
Creeks begin to dry up, fish move upstream, lizards and snakes active.

Wygabil-ny-ewin - Late Summer (mid Jan-mid March)
Eels move downstream, Autumn rains arrive, Yellow-box and Stringybark gum trees flower, fires lit.

Berrip - Early Winter (mid March-May)
Possums mating, many moths active, creeks flow again, fungi grow, kangaroos feed on new growth after fires.

Perrin - Deep Winter (May-mid July)
Cold, short days, river flats flooded, leaves on water plants turn brown though small tuberous herbs grow.

Muyan - Pre-spring (mid July- mid August)
Wattles begin to flower, morning frogs are heard, wood ducks start nesting, birds flocking before migration, other migrant birds arrive.

Pareip - True Spring (mid August-November)
Orchids and lilies flowering, water plants put on green leaves, joeys leave the pouch, birds breeding, snakes and lizards becoming active, River flats in flood from snow-melt.

Lovely isn't it. Makes me want to go campinge.

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...red cliff

I'm going to see this next week.

Its the biggest budget movie ever made in Asia and Johnny Woo is directing. WooHoo! There's nothing I like more than watching 10000 movie extras on horseback charging into battle, and of all countries, China could afford to rustle up a few. In fact, for extra realism I think the battle scenes are actually real...or at least the non-computer-thingamy ones are.

I don't quite know why but I find such cinema quite rousing (yes that's right I said rousing). It's weird how while I am a bit of a lefty/pacifist, I am also increasingly interested by war and warfare, at least in the context of world history. It's possibly the most extreme thing humans can do together, so it is interesting, but thoroughly awful and ought not be encouraged. Make love, not war man.

So maybe I'm not actually a lefty/pacifist anymore. It might explain why everytime I hear Led Zeppelin I get a strange urge to run around pretending to be a viking and feel like invading a small offshore island.

Valhalla, I am coming!

Must be a boy thing.

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...as seen on...

When I see ads boasting "...as seen on Today Tonight and A Current Affair", I think to myself, "They've just completely talked themselves out of a deal'.

They're gonna scare cutomers away if they keep that shit up.

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...my short and curlies

Short posts are fun.

It means I can blog regularly without having to take too much time out of my day. Brief observations and random thoughts are easy... not too deep, not too elaborate. More like mental drool than my old verbal diarrhea. Sometimes it requires restraint, but it's a fun challenge to try and get the message across in as few words as poss....

....In fact a few months ago I was feeling particularly bloggy so I jotted down the bare bones of about 30 posts in an hour or two. Thats right, I wrote these words last January. Bugger its hot out!

OK, not that long ago but I do lay down a lot of ideas in advance when my mind is going "blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblb!"

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...aunty dot

I've got an Aunty Dot. Actually, she's my great aunty, and she's 94 years young. She's lived in Williamstown all her life. She is Williamstown. She is also a writer.

One of her short stories just got made into a short film. It's a true story she wrote called My Father is a Wonderful Man and it's about a Dutch migrant family in Williamstown circa 1950's. I can't tell you what happens, but it's sad. I can't even tell you where you could see it yet. It's still in post-production, but hopefully I'll be going to the inaugural screening.

It was great that Aunty Dot could advise the production on various elements of the story, because she's pretty old now.

We all love Aunty Dot.

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...a smoke free pub

Its been 6 months since my last cigarette.

Hooray for Me!

I don't miss 'em much any more either. About a month ago when I was thinking about it, I thought Gee I haven't had a craving for a while. And it's true. My usual ten per day after coffee/meals/with beer cravings have largely disappeared. Who would have thunk it?

I must be lucky because I can honestly say it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was hard, just not agonising. I was sure I had become a 'rusted on' smoker, 20 per day, 30 with booze for fifteen years. I guess I figured out how to play the right mindgames to convince myself that I don't smoke.

Its amazing what willpower can do. That and $783 of hypnotherapy.


Though I do wonder why I start pretending to be a chicken everytime someone says the word "satay".

Brrrk.... Brrrrrk...



Happy weekend!

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...upside down dogs

For those of you who are fans of the websites I Can Has Cheezburger and I Has a Hotdog, (and lets face it, who isn't), I have found an equally entertaining pet-related-photo-humour website, which in my opinion has upped the ante in terms of sheer silliness.

Upside Down Dogs

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...world's best pizza

Because I'm such a foodie, am I'm so dedicated to blogging, I'm going to combine my two passions and share with you one of my all-time favourite recipes.


World's Best Pizza

Ingredients:
1 telephone
$14

Method: Move to Murrumbeena. Call 9570 4683 and ask for a medium Tweety Bird or Prawno, home delivered. Wait 30 minutes. Pay the driver and voila!

Serves 1 - 4, depending on level of obesity.


Bon Appetit!

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...blog posse

I'm bored, so I'm gonna give all my regular readers (or at least the half dozen people who have ever commented on my blog) rapper names, so they can be even cooler. Not that they need to be cooler, I'm just bored is all.

Eleanor Bloom shall be "E-Boom".

Kath Lockett shall become "Queen LaChoccy", though that better suits the Kath before her brush with Dr. Evil. So "K-licious" will have to do (as lovely as she is, I don't mean anything naughty here. I'm purely concerned with everybody's coolness quotient).

The Hungry Hungry Hipocrite (aka Jon Brooks) shall be henceforth known as the "J-Beez-Da Hungry Hip-hopocrite".

Miles Mclagan shall be knighted "Sir Writesalot".

Lorna Lino shall be "Li-Lo" (not in the inflatable mattress sense but pronounced lee-lo, coz its so much cooler dat* that way).

The Projectivist shall be given the moniker, "The Mad Projecta" (nothing to do with her sanity here, which is in tip-top shape... from what I've gathered so far).

Terence McDanger doesn't need a lot of changing, but he shall be henceforth referred to as "T McDee".

I shall be "Pub Daddy"

But I assume I'll get shot one night as I leave the pub and now I think this whole rap name thing is far too dangerous. Dat's me, livin' on the edge and shit.

Yo.

Did I mention I'm bored?

*Note: hip spelling

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...mars

It that time of year again. The time when the lazy media outlets, fed by big kids with over-active imaginations bring out the old "Lets go to Mars!" idea.

Here's a few reasons why I wouldn't go to Mars.

1. There's no air, and I kind of like breathing.
2. There's no water, and probably no beer.
3. It takes about 4 years to get there, which is slightly longer than it takes to get to Mildura.
4. Dull nightlife (but considerably better than Mildura's).
5. It gets down to -140 degrees celcius, which is slightly colder than Melbourne at the moment.
6. They have a volcano 27 km high. Fuck that.


It does have a few things going for it however.
- A year goes for 683 days, so I would wouldn't age so quickly (though I'd only get half as many birthday presents).
- They have a volcano 27 kilometres high. That would be awesome.
- The sky is pink and the sunsets are blue (seriously), so I'd save a lot of money on psychotropic drugs.
- We've pretty well stuffed this planet, so I guess we'll need a new one to trash sooner or later.

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...where's the cheese?

When I bought my ukelele, my local purveyor of small guitars almost convinced me to buy an $80 model, despite it being my first time.

I said I wanted to start out slowly and not rush into anything. He said that if you start playing with an el cheapo crappo instrument you'd never get into it, and he had (has) a good point. The $80 number sounds heaps better. The $300 '"concert" ukelele is a work of art. The $400 electric ukelele in the shape of a Les Paul is out of this world.

But they're not kitsch enough, all serious looking with a natural woodgrain finish. Gimme the cadmium red el cheapo number, at least until they make a decent model with a sunset and palm tree on it. Its a fuckin ukelele for godssake! Where's the cheese? And where's the "Big Bumper Songbook of Daggy Hawaiian Tunes for Utter Morons" in the book selection?

Geez! Who do they take me for? Someone serious?

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...liquid desire

...and I'm not talking about beer.


I went to see the Dali-Liquid Desire show at the NGV last night.

It was thoroughly enjoyable and informative. I was never much of a Dali fan, but I am now... or I at least have a new appreciation for his work. Most of his paintings are on the small side, but they're extremely detailed. What I and many others at the show were most surprised at was his jewellry, which was superb. And his photography was very good too.

They say there's a fine line between genius and insanity, and I think that applies to Dali. George Orwell summed it up well when he said "One ought to be able to hold in one's head simultaneously the two facts that Dalí is a good draughtsman and a disgusting human being. The one does not invalidate or, in a sense, affect the other." Orwell was suspicious of Dali's love of excess and questionable allegiances to Franco and other mid-20th century European tyrants. To this day, avant garde artists are generally expected be pinkos. I reckon its a shame when politics and art mingle, though it's inevitable.

Art + Politics = Propaganda

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...crapsteaks smothered in dictators

Oh how I love advertising.

I recently sent an email from my hotmail to my personal work email. When I opened up the email at work the next day, it had "Get in touch with thousands of singles in your area" at the footer.

I never gave permission for msn to attach advertisements to the bottom of my emails! I don't want them to pimp my correspondence. What next? "This email was brought to you by the Man at the Pub and Swingin Sexy Singles Chess Club. Join today!" That'll look really professional when sending my CV for the next job application.

But if they have to, where's my friggin cut?

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...hello sailor

I'm not really concerned with all this hooha over male sailors having bets to see how many female sailors they can shag.

I'm just surprised that male sailors are having sex with women these days.


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...travel soundtracks

You ever been on a journey, to another country or place very different to the one you call home? A profound journey, one that changed your life? Did you listen to music while you were on that journey? When you hear that music now, does it take you back to the sights, smells, sounds and emotions of that time and place?

I have.

When ever I hear Coldplay I'm transported in time to a 26 year old me happily wandering around Central and West Java and Sumatra with a crappy walkman I bought in Bogor. I can almost smell it.



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...lol

Being a gen-Xer, I've always been slightly suspicious of the new language that has developed since the advent of SMS, lol

It cms 2 hav gone on beyond texting though, and now most comments and emails u c from gen-Y peeps r in this lazy lingo lol

So much so that I'm starting 2 think that lol is the new full stop lol

rofl (lol)

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...rose lady

Whatever happened to the rose girl?

Do you remember when you'd go out in the city on a Friday or Saturday night, and a nice girl/woman with a basket of red roses would walk around to restaurants selling them, mostly to embarrassed looking blokes cornered into trying to look chivalrous while on a date? It was a very clever tactic. I think it was for charity or something.


I think the world would be a better place if we brought rose girl back, (though I'd hope I wouldn't bump into her every time I went out, otherwise I'd be broke!)

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...midwinter side effect

'I like to spend some time in Mozambique,
the sunny sky is aqua blue...'

Bob Dylan

Actually, they say Mozambique is one of the more chilled out and beautiful places to visit in Africa.

Mmmmmozambique.

That is all.

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