Tuesday, 13 January 2009

... not the news (with Mr. T)

And in today's Judgemental News with Mr. T...


When some 26 year old goose got high on goofballs and took a swipe at a woman driving down Fitzroy St, St. Kilda, it was too bad him he didn't recognise the would-be-peacemaker was football legend Ron Barassi. Bad luck for him he and his girlfriend decided to put the boot into the ex-football player/media 'personality'. In Australia, striking someone is generally frowned upon (depending on what the strikee was doing at the time). But kicking a Brownlow Medal Winner in the head is akin kicking the country in the head. It's treason, like burning a flag... it's downright UnAustralian! I think we ought to take this young lad out, give him 100 lashes from a Today Tonight reporter of Ron's choice, tattoo "Un-Australian" on his forehead and send him to Christian Military Reform school in Tasmania.

And today Mrs. Barassi has given the youth of today and good ole fashion scolding. "Littering, tagging, noise pollution, vandalism, theft, bullying and cruelty to animals were part of this epidemic of bad behaviour", Mrs Barassi said. POW! That'll learn em'.

Ron Barrassi, National Hero. It's true, he is a hero because he's got it written on his website.

If he kicked a nobody, no one'd give a crap,
But he kicked a footy legend, and the worlds on his back!
I pity the fool!


Little hairy bloke who smells like fish and fishing tackle spruiker Rex *unt, was today ordered to stand trial for charges of "recklessly causing serious injury", "intentially causing serious injury" and "unlawful assault". If I were the judge I'd also throw in charges of "psychological turmoil to marine species", "selling overpriced fish'n'chips in Port Melbourne" and "generally being a complete and utter bell end!"

Rex was roaring down Ormond Esplanade last July in his very large, shiny 4WD when he decided to pull over, got out and broke the finger of a cyclist who dared to share the road with him. "Self defence" his lawyer told the court today. Perhaps Rex thought the bloke was going to run into the back of his car, scratching the duco. But Mt. *unt is sure to get off with a medal, after all, he is a 'Footy Icon'. It says so on his website.

The judge is gonna teach this sucker a lesson,
The fools gonna pay big time...
...for messin' up a Footy Icon's ride!


Victoria Police have arrested the son of celebrity gangland scrubber Roberta Williams on 30 charges of theft. The thefts amount to $84,000 which was obtained from several Coles supermarkets across the north-eastern suburbs. Proceeds from the crime were found at a Pascoe Vale house Ms. Williams is 'connected' with. She was not arrested, but neighbours later reported seeing Ms Williams climbing a back fence and jumping into a car after a couple of repo men from BMW tracked her down through media reports. Ms. Williams sauid she did not want to talk to the media... presumably until Channel Nine showed up with a big cheque.

Roberta Williams' son a criminal? Who could have thought that would happen? At least her 22 year old son will get to see heaps more of his serial killer stepdad now. Her 7 year old daughter Dhakota is currently under investigation for an Uncle Toby's Roll-Ups racket she is running from her Prep class, and her Mum may soon face charged with child cruelty, for giving her daughter a ghastly bogan name.

Carl Williams was the baddest cat around... 'till I showed up!
Now quit your Jibber jabber moll. Some people never learn!


Australia's finest dead actor Heath Ledger was awarded the Golden Globe award for best supporting actor for his role as The Joker in the latest Batman offering, The Dark Knight. The award was accepted by the movies director Christopher Nolan, and it has already been revealed that the award will be given to Ledger's young daughter Matilda Rose.

It will be a nice keepsake for Matilda, who now faces the prospect of growing up believing her daddy was a screwed up, super-evil, hyper-violent, psychpathic super-villain. Creepy stuff.

So kids, don't do sleeping pills. If I ever meet one of them doctors,
theyre gonna have to get the first aid kit... to use on themselves!


Outgoing US President George W. Bush today defended his controversial 8 years in power. Asked if he had any regrets, the oil magnate who presided over a period of corporate greed gone mad, the world's largest terrorist attack against the US, the budget deficit spiralling to a trillion dollars, thousands of poor people left for dead in Hurricane ravaged New Orleans and his country locked in two dubious and un-winnable wars responded by saying he had a "good, strong record". Asked if he had any regrets from the last 8 years Bush said, "I wouldn't say regret, I mean, some things didn't work out as planned, but I wouldn't say regret. I was dissapointed we didn't find any WMD's in Iraq."

So he doesn't regret going to war with hundreds of thousands killed, cities destroyed and the whole region turning against the western world, all that to find out if there actually were a couple dodgy missiles or not. It's quite an expensive way to find something out. Bush will be more fondly remebered for snorting cocaine and having a shoe thrown at him. Worst President ever!

That Saddam fool had no secret weapon, he was just crazy.
George W., when I see you next, I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'm gonna
knock you into next week! I'm looking forward to working with my man Obama...
...as the new Secretary of Pain!


Palestinian death toll in Gaza reaches 1,000, hundreds drown after ferry sinks off Sulawesi, new cholera outbreak in Zimbabwe, etc, etc, just the usual stuff.

Man at the Pub, I don't hear nothing but your pea brain rollin' around in your head! What you mean less important news? You'd better learn some sensitivity, coz when punks start hasslin' decent people, I make it my business.

Sorry Mr T. I'll do better next time... and be funnier I promise. You see I was at work slacking off and I wasn't really in a blogging mood and....

Shut your mouth, fool!

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At 16 January 2009 at 14:24 , Blogger eleanor bloom said...

We really don't hear "I pity the fool" enough in the news these days. (Maybe if Derryn Hinch...)

At 16 January 2009 at 21:48 , Blogger meva said...

OMG!! I can't believe you didn't cover Paris breaking up with Benji!

I thought you were into NEWS! Fool!

At 17 January 2009 at 18:03 , Blogger Kath Lockett said...

Fool, this is great writing, Fool!

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