Tuesday, 24 February 2009

... twitter? wtf?

Why all the hoopla over Twitter? My twitter would be like...

11:43am 24/02/2009
....just farted

11:47am 24/02/2009
... farted again....slightly louder this time

11:52am 24/02/2009
...I'm bored

11:54am 24/02/2009
...you must be bored to be reading this crap

11:57am 24/02/2009
...a bird flew past the window

11:58am 24/02/2009
...it was brown

5:15pm 24/02/2009
...nearly time to go home

5:16pm 24/02/2009

5:29pm 24/02/2009
...time to go home

6:15pm 24/02/2009
...I'm home now

6:16pm 22/02/2009
....just farted

Riveting stuff.

Twitter's homepage states...

Twitter is a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing?

What I figure is that if was doing anything remotely interesting or important, I'd be kind of preoccupied with it, and giving live updates from a computer or mobile would be counter productive.

3:18pm 12/05/2010
... in Pamplona, about to start the Running of the Bulls

3:19pm 12/05/2010
... any minute now

3:20pm 12/05/2010
... oops. I missed the start because I thought it more important to give a Twitter update.

3:26pm 12/05/2010
... got chased by a bull. It was the black one with the white spot on its nose.

3:27pm 12/05/2010
... wondering whether I should go and get chased by another one?

3:29pm 12/05/2010
... just farted

I fail to see the value of this latest phenomenon.


Labels: , , ,

Monday, 23 February 2009

...underbelly: a tale of two titties

I'm probably not in a good position to give a fair review because I could only watch about 20 minutes of this crap, but I think Underbelly is sooo overrated. The first series was only marginally more interesting, but I forgot to watch the last three, at the time 'illegal in Victoria' episodes I stole from the internet, and I don't feel my life is missing anything. I already knew that everyone got either shot in the head or a long jail sentence. Following the real underworld war real-time throught the media was much more interesting. I don't need to see a crappy re-enactment that looks like a 12 hour long episode of Crime Stoppers.

Underbelly 2 - The secret life of Bob Hawke?

And Underbelly: A Tale of Two Titties, the much hyped prequel, from my unqualified opinion (hey this is the internet) looks to me like the executives at Channel Nine have only just realised that gratuitous sex and violence appeals to many people, and will guarantee lots of letters to the editor and talkback calls on how inappropriate to see boobies in an 8:30pm timeslot, which means heaps of free publicity courtesy of the people who hate the show.

Now I'm no prude, and I'm quite partial to a bit of full-frontal nudity (it's in me glands), but Underbelly's take on it smacks of blatant desparation. Not only do we have large quantities of sex scenes that serve absolutely no purpose to the plot, but we have flashbacks to the same sex scenes, just in case we missed it the first time round. I've got a tip.. If you like sex scenes, get a porno! At least they don't have that annoying little Matty Newton prat in them, and at least they don't have their sex scenes interrupted by someone getting their face blown off by a sawn-off shotgun every 5 minutes... apparently.

Touching Matt Newton - Ewwwww!

I'm probably not alone, but when it comes to the overrated, sometimes we feel we are alone. Surely you, dear reader, have some movie or book or band that all your friends love and think is great, but when you tried it, you found it bloody awful and can't understand why everyone else raves about it so much. I'll share a few of mine with you...

Bladerunner. Call me a philistine, call me a low-brow pleb, but I've tried to watch this movie several times and I just find it boring as batshit. I love sci-fi and I love the cinematic arts and Harrison Ford is The Man, but I just watch it and think, "I must be missing something here?". I obviously am. It's not a bad film, I just don't like it. It's been a while since my last attempt to like this film though so maybe it deserves another bash.

Other films popular amongst my peers I have issues with are The Matrix (fell asleep watching it... twice. Haven't even bothered with the sequels), Lost in Translation (lost in utter boredom) and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (offbeat, but seriously unfunny and unaffecting).

Jennifer Aniston. Alright she's not popular with my peers, but why the fuck do we hear so much about her? She's got no personality, she can't act and she's not that attractive (sorry to get all bitchy and superficial, but we are talking about Hollywood). The most interesting thing about her is that she used to go out with someone more interesting than her. What has Ms. Aniston ever done that makes her worthy of such adulation?
Likewise I also find her nemesis, Angelina Jolie highly overrated. Acting wise, she makes Jennifer Aniston look like Cate Blanchett. My wife will kill me because she has a lesbo-crush on Angelina, which I can't understand. I think she looks like a ten-bob crack whore with too much makeup but a decent plastic surgeon. I'm more of a Kate Winslet kind of guy.

'Reality' TV. Enough has been said on the topic and it has become standard programming, but really. Big Brother? (I'd rather watch paint dry). Australian Idol? (80% hype, 20% Karaoke competition). So You Think You can Jump Around Like a Dickhead? (I suppose even morons need to think they are good at something too). Ladette to Lady or Scrubber to Upper Class Twit (How embarrassed will those girls be when they grow up) And those bloody Emergency Renovation Team shows, gah! If someone came into my house while I was away, ripped out my garden and replaced it with some tacky mock Santa Fe theme, then painted my walls bright yellow with muggacino coloured carpet and a turkish tile feature wall, I'd ram sausages down their throat and stick starving dogs up their butt! (Insult courtesy of Moe). I'd rather watch Underbelly.

On a more positive note (and don't I need one), I really liked Slumdog Millionaire (see it at the cinema. The early scenes are quite moving) and 30 Rock and Brazil and Sunshine and There Will Be Blood and the Flight of the Conchords and Kate Winslet. See I do like stuff... really!

Kate Winslet - Seriously not overrated

Friday, 20 February 2009

...enemy of the municipal association


From Victorian Electoral Commission (VEC) records it appears that you failed to vote at the above [Glen Eira Local Council] election. Voting is compulsary under Section 40 of the Local Government Act 1989. Consequently, you must provide a response to this notice.

Option 1 - I failed to vote at the above election (Tick!)
(Please provide your detailed explanation on the back of this notice to support your response)

So, did I respond with...?

a) Dear VEC, I failed to vote because my dear old mum has been doing poorly and had a fall the night before the election started. She lives in the South Sandwich Islands and its a real bitch to get a boat there this time of year, due to the late summer gale-forced winds peculiar to that longitude of the roaring forties. Anyways I didn't leave the house but I stayed up all night worrying about it and slept in... for four days because my doctor keeps prescribing me these horrible, trippy sleeping pills and... gnaH! Aggh..wassa? Spidersss.... haalpp...!

  • I am a renter, not a ratepayer. I have lived in Glen Eira Ward for little over 1 year and do not expect to be here long. I have not the time or reason to get my head around local issues and candidates. My vote would have therefore been a donkey vote, which may have tainted the the results of the election. I thought it best for a true reflection of voter concerns if I did not vote.
  • I have been on the electoral role for 15 years and I have never been issued an infringement (that I am aware of) despite never having voted in a Council election. Has the VEC had a change in policy? Please advise.
  • Poor voter turnout reflects a lack of interest and confidence in this tier of government. Serious reform to the voting system is needed. Failure to reform would indicate the VEC's satisfaction with the exorbitant revenues generated by public apathy.
c) The reason I failed to vote is because after briefly flicking through the daily wad of electoral rubbish the candidates had been rudely dumping in my letterbox (and consequently my recycling bin), I came to the realisation that none of the candidates deserved my endorsement. Speaking from personal experience having worked for a few wannabe local councillers, I generally find them all to be despicable megolamaniacs who would likely sell their own mothers for a whiff of power, and I am deeply troubled when I contempalate the prospect of any one of them having control over the pricing of the Municipal parking meters of Glen Eira. Sure they may appear different, being either bloated, blue-bloods who resemble real estate agents or scrawny, wrinkly hippies in cardigans, but the information presented to me shows that they are apparently all the same when it comes to policy. They all claimed to stand for lower rates, law and order, local small businesses and the environment. I don't know why they needed seperate flyers, I mean they could have saved money and trees by just printing up one and then all signing their names at the bottom.

d) It's a fair cop. Who do I make the cheque out to?


Labels: ,

Friday, 13 February 2009


My laptop died last weekend.

Blogging will suffer.

And I have to try to fix it just to save some precious photos, otherwise it's a piece of shit not worth fixing. And I'm spending all next week in a hotel in a dead-boring, land-locked town in NSW, computerless (unless they have an internet cafe from where I can connect with the outside world).

I'm starting to get used to life without a computer being at arms length though. I'm rediscovering the joys of reading the printed word. I've got to read something more contemporary though. I'm thoroughly enjoying my Captain Cook biography, but my wife is teasing me for being such a nerd.

I may even do some writing, with a pen and paper, like I used to do back in the 1980's.

They're some pretty nice problems to have though, compared with the problems thousands of other Victorians are having at the moment. I can't write much more about it now. It's all been said a million times already. Though I did see some mind-blowing fire footage on the 7:30 report last night. A bloke in the mountains was home alone and had a fire shelter, so he stayed on his balcony until the last moment filiming the fire as it charged over the hill and swept through his property. Walls of flame 50m high at least. Pretty hairy stuff.

Have a great few weeks everyone, and I'll be keeping an eye on you all from afar.... that is, if the internet has made it Muswellbrook yet. Wish me luck.

Labels: , ,

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

...when words fail

We knew it could happen, but no one thought it actually would.

I'm finding it hard to comprehend, and I'm not even directly affected. I can't begin to imagine how the residents of Kinglake, Marysville, St. Andrews, Labertouche and so many other towns feel right now, though the faces on the TV tell much. Complete devastation. Total shock. So many lost, so much gone. The words don't fit the gravity of this. Nothing but uncomfortable cliches.

There will be a lot of talk in the washup. Lets hope that it leads to constructive outcomes and doesn't just end in unrealistic expectations or anger and divisive finger pointing. This is too great an event to come out of with nothing but tears. Those who fail to acknowledge history are doomed to repeat it.

Hats off to the fireys, police, surgeons and nurses, old ladies in the Op-shops, SES and volunteers of all kinds. To the vets, the chaplains, the charity of Australians, forensic officers, community leaders and well-wishers around the world, salut! To the departed and suvivors, you are in my thoughts and 'atheist prayers' during these, your darkest hours. But I know the tenacity of these proud locals and the grass will again bloom around their new homes as their most lovely towns come back to life, though the pain shall linger for generations.

Lest we forget.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

...throw another snag on the footpath

For any international readers, or perhaps Queenslanders and Tasmanians, I just feel the need to mention that right at the moment On the topic of weather, southern Australia has gone a fair bit barmy of late.

It's 3:19pm, Saturday the seventh day of February 2009AD. According to the Bureau of Meteorology's excellent website, a product of the era's rapid advances in technology, the shade temperature at the airport down the road is currently 46.2 degrees Celcius (115.2 degrees Fahrenheit). Wind gusts above 60km/h are buffeting the world outside. I am dwelling in a dark converted brick garage, well shaded, and maintaining a temperature of around 28.9 degrees C. I consider myself very lucky.

The room is silent but the house around it creaks and thumps. I feel like I'm in a bomb shelter. Outside the sky is a pallid grey but the sun stills beats through at full attack, and the hot, northwesterly wind brings no relief. In fact the wind brings it's own type of burning sensation on the skin and lungs. The sky is greyest on the horizon, a warm grey, the grey of smoke, the grey of firestorms charging through the bushland around the city.

Last Tuesday it was 38 then 42 then 44 then 45 then 35. And we're lucky. Our longest run over 40 was three days. Adelaide copped nine or ten days in a row. My bougainvillea looks like a piece of dried seaweed. My cactus is burnt and my pussy cat looks buggered.

And our Premier, John Brumby, has a press conference yesterday to basically say tomorrow is gonna be a dog's breakfast and basically nobody should do anything. Don't even bother leaving the house! The Age online ran the rather curious headline "WORST DAY EVER". Talk about the cup being half empty. I suspect if I were involved in the Battle of the Somme I may be indifferent to that claim.

So why didn't Mr Premier urger such precautions onto the unsuspecting public last week, when we copped 5 days of bullshit temperatures in a row? Could it have anything to do with last weeks heatwave occuring on working days? The PT system was 50% stuffed and people were feeling a tad bothered out there last week, rushing to work in a blast furnace, sleep deprived only to feel like grumpshite and not have a functioning brain.

Where was the 'don't bother leaving the house' then Brumby. That what you'd call "A Convenient Heatwave", one that happens on the weekend, ya gobshite!

Labels: , ,