...underbelly: a tale of two titties

I'm probably not in a good position to give a fair review because I could only watch about 20 minutes of this crap, but I think Underbelly is sooo overrated. The first series was only marginally more interesting, but I forgot to watch the last three, at the time 'illegal in Victoria' episodes I stole from the internet, and I don't feel my life is missing anything. I already knew that everyone got either shot in the head or a long jail sentence. Following the real underworld war real-time throught the media was much more interesting. I don't need to see a crappy re-enactment that looks like a 12 hour long episode of Crime Stoppers.

Underbelly 2 - The secret life of Bob Hawke?

And Underbelly: A Tale of Two Titties, the much hyped prequel, from my unqualified opinion (hey this is the internet) looks to me like the executives at Channel Nine have only just realised that gratuitous sex and violence appeals to many people, and will guarantee lots of letters to the editor and talkback calls on how inappropriate to see boobies in an 8:30pm timeslot, which means heaps of free publicity courtesy of the people who hate the show.

Now I'm no prude, and I'm quite partial to a bit of full-frontal nudity (it's in me glands), but Underbelly's take on it smacks of blatant desparation. Not only do we have large quantities of sex scenes that serve absolutely no purpose to the plot, but we have flashbacks to the same sex scenes, just in case we missed it the first time round. I've got a tip.. If you like sex scenes, get a porno! At least they don't have that annoying little Matty Newton prat in them, and at least they don't have their sex scenes interrupted by someone getting their face blown off by a sawn-off shotgun every 5 minutes... apparently.

Touching Matt Newton - Ewwwww!

I'm probably not alone, but when it comes to the overrated, sometimes we feel we are alone. Surely you, dear reader, have some movie or book or band that all your friends love and think is great, but when you tried it, you found it bloody awful and can't understand why everyone else raves about it so much. I'll share a few of mine with you...


Bladerunner. Call me a philistine, call me a low-brow pleb, but I've tried to watch this movie several times and I just find it boring as batshit. I love sci-fi and I love the cinematic arts and Harrison Ford is The Man, but I just watch it and think, "I must be missing something here?". I obviously am. It's not a bad film, I just don't like it. It's been a while since my last attempt to like this film though so maybe it deserves another bash.


Other films popular amongst my peers I have issues with are The Matrix (fell asleep watching it... twice. Haven't even bothered with the sequels), Lost in Translation (lost in utter boredom) and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (offbeat, but seriously unfunny and unaffecting).



Jennifer Aniston. Alright she's not popular with my peers, but why the fuck do we hear so much about her? She's got no personality, she can't act and she's not that attractive (sorry to get all bitchy and superficial, but we are talking about Hollywood). The most interesting thing about her is that she used to go out with someone more interesting than her. What has Ms. Aniston ever done that makes her worthy of such adulation?
Likewise I also find her nemesis, Angelina Jolie highly overrated. Acting wise, she makes Jennifer Aniston look like Cate Blanchett. My wife will kill me because she has a lesbo-crush on Angelina, which I can't understand. I think she looks like a ten-bob crack whore with too much makeup but a decent plastic surgeon. I'm more of a Kate Winslet kind of guy.


'Reality' TV. Enough has been said on the topic and it has become standard programming, but really. Big Brother? (I'd rather watch paint dry). Australian Idol? (80% hype, 20% Karaoke competition). So You Think You can Jump Around Like a Dickhead? (I suppose even morons need to think they are good at something too). Ladette to Lady or Scrubber to Upper Class Twit (How embarrassed will those girls be when they grow up) And those bloody Emergency Renovation Team shows, gah! If someone came into my house while I was away, ripped out my garden and replaced it with some tacky mock Santa Fe theme, then painted my walls bright yellow with muggacino coloured carpet and a turkish tile feature wall, I'd ram sausages down their throat and stick starving dogs up their butt! (Insult courtesy of Moe). I'd rather watch Underbelly.

On a more positive note (and don't I need one), I really liked Slumdog Millionaire (see it at the cinema. The early scenes are quite moving) and 30 Rock and Brazil and Sunshine and There Will Be Blood and the Flight of the Conchords and Kate Winslet. See I do like stuff... really!

Kate Winslet - Seriously not overrated