...patriot games

I recently came across the online quiz 'How Australian are you?' Sure it was a link in my hotmail page to a Ninemsn site so I expected pure, brainless rubbish, and was not disappointed at all. Here's the intro...

You may wrestle crocs for a laugh and kit up in the green and gold on a daily basis, but do you know who won Australian of the year last year? What's your state's flower? The finer workings of two-up? How Australian are you? Take our quiz to find out.

So I put down my croc, wiped the green and gold zinc cream from my eyeballs, took my prawns off the barbie, put the billy on to boil, took the baby out of my dingo's mouth, ate three Four'n'Twenty pies, drank two slabs of Fosters, violently puked (naturally) and got working on finding out just how "Aussie" I truly am. Oi Oi Oi!

The quiz was, how can you say it..... pathetic in every sense, which was expected. A quiz to make really dumb Australians feel smart. Remember all that kerfuffle with John Howard's Citizenship Test a few years ago? Well this quiz makes that quiz look like the Genius version of Trivial Pursuit. Maybe not, but it was so mind-numblingly lame that I had to include it here, just in case you missed it the first time, and so awful that I had to offer a fourth option in the multiple choice answers. I think my fourth option makes me even more Australian than Australian.

1. What's the fourth line of the Australian National Anthem?
a) Our home is girt by sea
b) Our home is dirt by sea
c) Our home is by the sea
d) Who cares. Real Aussies don't know the words to that song but they can recite Khe Sahn while blind drunk and hanging upside down in a Thai fetish bar, so I'm told.

2. What state is represented by the warratah?
a) Victoria
b) New South Wales
c) South Australia
d) None of the above. NSW is represented by the Waratah. Don't know what a fucking Warratah is.

3. What Melbourne suburb is Neighbours filmed in?
a) Frankston
b) Vermont
c) Red Hill
d) Vermont South (you un-Australian moron!)

4. Where is the big prawn?
a) Ballina
b) Berri
c) Kingston
d) On the Big Barbie

5. How many stars are on the Australian flag?
a) 5
b) 6
c) 8
d) Cathy Freeman

6. What does ANZAC stand for?
a) Australia and New Zealand Army Cooperation
b) Australia and New Zealand Alliance Corps
c) Australia and New Zealand Army Corps
d) Australians and New Zealanders Are Cool

7. When is the Melbourne Cup?
a) The first Thursday of November
b) The first Tuesday of November
c) The first of November
d) Too pissed. Can't remember

8. Who was the first Prime Minister of Australia?
a) Chris Watson
b) Joseph Cook
c) Edmund Barton
d) Don Bradman

9. What is a grommit?
a) A surf board
b) A novice surfer
c) Another term for bathers/togs/budgie smugglers
d) The little black rubber bit that makes the seal between the bong and the stem (must just be the suburb I'm from)

10. What does QANTAS stand for?
a) Queensland and Northern Territory Airline Service
b) Quality Aeronautical National Transport Aviation Services
c) Queen Anne National Transportation Aviation Systems
d) Queenslanders Are Not Technically Absolutely Stupid

11. Home and Away is primarily shot where?
a) Newport Beach
b) Avalon Beach
c) Palm Beach
d) Right in the middle of the screen at point-blank range

12. What is two-up?
a) A traditional gambling game, played in pubs
b) The term for a second round of drinks at the pub
c) When a person has two drinks before leaving home for the pub
d) One more than one-up

13. Who appears on the $50 note?
a) A. B. "Banjo" Paterson
b) John Flynn
c) David Unaipon
d) Some aboriginal bloke

14. Who won the Australian of the Year award in 2007 for his work on global warming research?
a) Pete Doherty
b) Tim Flannery
c) Ian Frazer
d) Cathy Freeman

15. At the 2000 Olympic Games, Cathy Freeman won gold in what event?
a) 100 meter dash
b) 200 meter dash
c) 400 meter dash
d) 600 metre Global Warming Research

16. Which British Royal Navy Lieutenant has been credited for 'discovering' Australia?
a) James Cook
b) Arthur Phillip
c) Charles Swain
d) Don Bradman

17. What year did Australia win the Americas Cup for yacht racing?
a) 1970
b) 1983
c) 2002
d) 26 years ago. Don't you think it's time to get over it?

18. What is the capital of Australia?
a) Sydney
b) Melbourne
c) Canberra
d) Yandoit

I got 18/18, even though I've never watched an episode of Home and Away in my life! Wow, I must be a fucking patriot. Wrap me in my Australian flag cape ala Pauline Hanson/Cronulla locals, but then again I suspect even Caribou herders in the boonies of Lapland would have scored at least 80%.

But at least I'm a darn sight more "Australian" than the dickhead who wrote this quiz. Not only are the 'correct' answers incorrect on two occasions (Q's 2 & 3), the author decided to use American meters as opposed to the 'correct' Queen's English metres. Traitor! Hang 'em high for treason I say!