Thursday, 29 January 2009

...patriot games

I recently came across the online quiz 'How Australian are you?' Sure it was a link in my hotmail page to a Ninemsn site so I expected pure, brainless rubbish, and was not disappointed at all. Here's the intro...

You may wrestle crocs for a laugh and kit up in the green and gold on a daily basis, but do you know who won Australian of the year last year? What's your state's flower? The finer workings of two-up? How Australian are you? Take our quiz to find out.

So I put down my croc, wiped the green and gold zinc cream from my eyeballs, took my prawns off the barbie, put the billy on to boil, took the baby out of my dingo's mouth, ate three Four'n'Twenty pies, drank two slabs of Fosters, violently puked (naturally) and got working on finding out just how "Aussie" I truly am. Oi Oi Oi!

The quiz was, how can you say it..... pathetic in every sense, which was expected. A quiz to make really dumb Australians feel smart. Remember all that kerfuffle with John Howard's Citizenship Test a few years ago? Well this quiz makes that quiz look like the Genius version of Trivial Pursuit. Maybe not, but it was so mind-numblingly lame that I had to include it here, just in case you missed it the first time, and so awful that I had to offer a fourth option in the multiple choice answers. I think my fourth option makes me even more Australian than Australian.

1. What's the fourth line of the Australian National Anthem?
a) Our home is girt by sea
b) Our home is dirt by sea
c) Our home is by the sea
d) Who cares. Real Aussies don't know the words to that song but they can recite Khe Sahn while blind drunk and hanging upside down in a Thai fetish bar, so I'm told.

2. What state is represented by the warratah?
a) Victoria
b) New South Wales
c) South Australia
d) None of the above. NSW is represented by the Waratah. Don't know what a fucking Warratah is.

3. What Melbourne suburb is Neighbours filmed in?
a) Frankston
b) Vermont
c) Red Hill
d) Vermont South (you un-Australian moron!)

4. Where is the big prawn?
a) Ballina
b) Berri
c) Kingston
d) On the Big Barbie

5. How many stars are on the Australian flag?
a) 5
b) 6
c) 8
d) Cathy Freeman

6. What does ANZAC stand for?
a) Australia and New Zealand Army Cooperation
b) Australia and New Zealand Alliance Corps
c) Australia and New Zealand Army Corps
d) Australians and New Zealanders Are Cool

7. When is the Melbourne Cup?
a) The first Thursday of November
b) The first Tuesday of November
c) The first of November
d) Too pissed. Can't remember

8. Who was the first Prime Minister of Australia?
a) Chris Watson
b) Joseph Cook
c) Edmund Barton
d) Don Bradman

9. What is a grommit?
a) A surf board
b) A novice surfer
c) Another term for bathers/togs/budgie smugglers
d) The little black rubber bit that makes the seal between the bong and the stem (must just be the suburb I'm from)

10. What does QANTAS stand for?
a) Queensland and Northern Territory Airline Service
b) Quality Aeronautical National Transport Aviation Services
c) Queen Anne National Transportation Aviation Systems
d) Queenslanders Are Not Technically Absolutely Stupid

11. Home and Away is primarily shot where?
a) Newport Beach
b) Avalon Beach
c) Palm Beach
d) Right in the middle of the screen at point-blank range

12. What is two-up?
a) A traditional gambling game, played in pubs
b) The term for a second round of drinks at the pub
c) When a person has two drinks before leaving home for the pub
d) One more than one-up

13. Who appears on the $50 note?
a) A. B. "Banjo" Paterson
b) John Flynn
c) David Unaipon
d) Some aboriginal bloke

14. Who won the Australian of the Year award in 2007 for his work on global warming research?
a) Pete Doherty
b) Tim Flannery
c) Ian Frazer
d) Cathy Freeman

15. At the 2000 Olympic Games, Cathy Freeman won gold in what event?
a) 100 meter dash
b) 200 meter dash
c) 400 meter dash
d) 600 metre Global Warming Research

16. Which British Royal Navy Lieutenant has been credited for 'discovering' Australia?
a) James Cook
b) Arthur Phillip
c) Charles Swain
d) Don Bradman

17. What year did Australia win the Americas Cup for yacht racing?
a) 1970
b) 1983
c) 2002
d) 26 years ago. Don't you think it's time to get over it?

18. What is the capital of Australia?
a) Sydney
b) Melbourne
c) Canberra
d) Yandoit

I got 18/18, even though I've never watched an episode of Home and Away in my life! Wow, I must be a fucking patriot. Wrap me in my Australian flag cape ala Pauline Hanson/Cronulla locals, but then again I suspect even Caribou herders in the boonies of Lapland would have scored at least 80%.

But at least I'm a darn sight more "Australian" than the dickhead who wrote this quiz. Not only are the 'correct' answers incorrect on two occasions (Q's 2 & 3), the author decided to use American meters as opposed to the 'correct' Queen's English metres. Traitor! Hang 'em high for treason I say!

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At 29 January 2009 at 13:58 , Blogger JSK said...

Sorry, you only got 17. But then the quiz is wrong. :-)

QANTAS stands for Queensland and Northern Territory *Aerial* Services, not Queensland and Northern Territory Airline Services

At 29 January 2009 at 14:17 , Blogger Kath Lockett said...

Nothing like ninemsn to get one's goat going at the best of times and in this heat, well..... let's just say you'd be better off lying under the air-con with an icy cold FUIC.

At 29 January 2009 at 15:05 , Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

JSK - Ha! Three mistakes. Call me old fashioned but I reckon you shouldn't be allowed to write a quiz unless you actually know the correct answer. Well spotted. An aussie flag and koala clip coming your way.

Kath - I didn't realise how bad the internet can be until I visited ninemsn. As for your heat-beating recommendation, I have no air con and my stop smoking regime involves no caffeine, assuming FUIC has caffeine and isn't just coffee flavoured. And milky drinks don't bode well for me on hot days.

And on that I now think you have either a) been brainwashed by the evil scientists at Farmers Union or
b) are employed by Farmers Union to run a so far unsuccessful viral campaign for FUIC.

Either way, I find yor brand loyalty quite admirable.

At 30 January 2009 at 13:19 , Blogger Hungry Hungry Hypocrite said...

I've always thought these quizzes should have questions about the Petrov Affair, how much of an anti-unionist Bradman was and Australia's slavery past.

At 1 February 2009 at 17:23 , Blogger kiki said...

the girlfriends mum did the citizenship test last year and was given a book to practice with (ala those vic roads books when going for a liense).

it was eerily similar to this. i'll find out if she still has it

At 5 February 2009 at 17:58 , Anonymous ashleigh said...

Geez, how pathetic.

and that stupid citizenship test is still going, even after Howard is not. I think they changed it a bit, but not much.

At 24 February 2009 at 22:03 , Blogger The Blakkat said...

I'd forgotten what funny bastard you are. And totally true blue to boot! Oi Oi Oi!


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