...we have the technology

I got a new lappy. Yayyy!

For those who don't know (and why would they seeing as I just made it up), a lappy is a cool new way of saying laptop, which is a daggy word for notebook.

You see for the last several months I have been struggling with an uncooperative pooter. It would crash with increasing frequency, with the occasional blue screen of death, and usually 1 second before I would try to press the 'save' button. I lost 50 freshly scanned photos to that one the other night.

It would take about 1 hour to turn the thing on, not to warm up but to actually get Windows to boot. The 'on' button meant a black screen 80% of the time. Repeated pressings eventually got me to a message along the lines of...

Your pooter is buggered. We don't know what's wrong with the bitch, so all we can do is give you three choices, each one as pointless as the next.
1. Start Windows in Safe Mode
2. Not Start Windows in Safe Mode
3. Start with the last known settings that worked.

They all ended in the same place. Nowhere. I started having fantasies of throwing my lappy out the window and onto the concrete driveway. How many ways could I kill it? I could drown it, in a swimming pool, or pour boiling porridge over it. Spearing it would be just awesome! I might throw it on a bonfire, and watch it spark and melt and explode. Oooh tHAt woULd FeEL GOOD WOOHOO! KILL KILL MURDER HA HAHAHA!!! YOU'LL NEVER MISBEHAVE AGAIN MY LITTLE FRIEND!

I had people poke and prod at it. I had the smarter people at work look into it, run scans and checks, stick thermometers into it, etc. to no avail. I was just about to take it down to the Soul Sucking Reincarnator (actually my dad Brian) for a complete mind wipe and reinstallation of its operating system, when I thought I had it sussed. When you punched the area next to the touchpad immediately after pressing the power button, it worked! Booted up normally and worked... for at least a few good hours anyway. Only problem is that I had to punch it with increasing severity as it started to become desensitised to all the violence. After a while the punches didn't work anymore but it felt really good. I don't consider myself a violent person, and I have never punched a living in my life (except my big sister in the 1980's, but you would have too coz she could be the Queen of Evil and oh so mean and terrible), but I'm quite partial to give the odd appliance a bit of a whack when it plays up on me, like Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli, except without all the girls and hanging around public toilets.

Surprisingly, I had the sense to back up all my useful files (and their viruses) onto an external HDD so I can can copy them to my new one, because my old computer crashed for the very last time on Sunday night.

But it sure looked cool as it hit the floorboards at high speed and the screen erupted into a psychodelic pattern. That'll larn it.


Its shame it ended so acrimoniously. So many good times together, four long years, so many memories, and so many more hours of my life where I don't remember a single damn thing. All the games we played, puzzles we solved, stories we read and boobies we've seen. All the laughter and tears, now just ancient whispers on the winds of better times.


Nah. Boo sucks to that. This one craps all over that stupid thing. Can't believe I waited so long.