Monday, 7 September 2009


I have in front of me a copy of Roger's Profanisaurus, "A collection of expletives, obscenities and euphemisms" from the makers of the British schoolboy humour comic/mag Viz.

Set out like a dictionary, it is mostly concerned with copulation, ladies and men's naughty bits, homosexuality, alcohol, orifices and associated excreta...therefore it is utterly hilarious and completely brilliant. But I dare not share with you too much of it, as I fear posting this stuff online could have a van of blokes in black pyjamas raiding my house and putting me away for crimes against humanity in John Howard's secret prison for the culturally insane, and/or The Man at the Pub be banned on a Stephen Conroy Chinese-style internet control fantasy trip..... and/or you'll think I'm a sicko more of a sicko. But judge me not harshly, as inside every 34 year old Australian male beats the heart of a childish, spotty and very annoying schoolboy.

But I found some tamish ones to indulge you, and seeing as you're a bunch of intelligent adults I can tell you that...

...pace car n. Of paying a sit down visit. The slow, unaerodynamic leading turd that once out of the way, allows the fast, souped-up bastards behind it to put their foot down.

...pants 1. interj. Exclamation of dismay. 2. n. Rubbish; nonsense; arse. As in: "You're talking pants!".

...pant moustache n. The effect achieved when the map of tassie (qv) extends symmetrically beyond either side of the undercrackers; (kecks; underpants; trolleys) (qv). See also spiders legs. Darth Vader euph. Cock. From the Star Wars character with a bell end for a helmet.

...pocket frog n. A fart; botty burp, anal announcement.

...polish the lighthouse to masturbate in the bath (males only).

I may have to begin usage of number two (snigger, snigger) as I quite like it and if you disagree, well pants to you! Thats just a fraction of the P's but you can get the whole Profanisaurus here (though why would you?).

I'd better stop now while I still have a shred of kredibility and hopefully a reader left.

Uh-oh, too late...


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At 8 September 2009 at 14:04 , Blogger Kath Lockett said...

I'll admit to chortling quite loudly whilst reading this, I'm all up for a fart or a poo joke, me.

Love Pace Car and Pocket frog!

At 9 September 2009 at 16:49 , Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

Pocket Frog is very cute.

At 9 September 2009 at 19:44 , Blogger killerrabbit said...

That is pretty darn funny but I must admit that I call things that are crap 'pants' all the time. It is a hangover from living in pommieland for so long.

I will not tell my husband about the pace car as he already tells me far too much about his poo. Is this a general male thing?

At 10 September 2009 at 10:23 , Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

Killer rabbit with pointy teeth! It's been a while, I trust all is well in Mummyland.

Yes poo is a bit of a male thing. In my experience women are much more fascinated with pocket frogs.

At 11 September 2009 at 01:17 , Blogger P said...

Many years ago I played social tennis with a woman who had the most amazingly profuse pant moustache I have ever seen. It was the ZZ Top of pant moustaches!

Reading that there is actually a name for it gave me a good chuckle - thanks!


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